This morning God opened my eyes and then proceeded to break my heart.
Jaden and I had a "traumatic" moment this morning during the last step of getting ready for Kindergarten: brushing his teeth! The whole story line isn't essential here. Here's what's important: I allowed myself to become angry with my son for not listening to me. The fact that we were running a bit late only fueled my "fire."
After some tears in the car, I explained to Jaden how both his and my response during the teeth-brushing trauma were off. I told him how I was wrong, and I asked him for his forgiveness. In turn, he apologized to me. I prayed for us in the parking lot, then walked him to class and gave him a big hug as we said goodbye.
On the drive home, I broke while listening to the song, "Jesus Paid It All." When the chorus began ("Oh praise the One who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead--Jesus!!!"), I couldn't get the words out for the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat. "God, help me! I need Your help! I want to be different; I don't want to respond this way anymore!" Over the course of the next hour or so, the Holy Spirit gently convicted my heart about several things that God opened my eyes to this morning. I thanked Him for His amazing grace because without it, I know I would feel hopeless as a father. But...I am forgiven! And, I can be different!
I don't want to respond to my son's disobedience by raising my voice at him in anger. And, I also don't want to miss the opportunity to identify and acknowledge the reason for it. This morning I missed that opportunity. Here's the reason Jaden chose not to follow my instructions this morning: he felt bad he wasn't able to complete his toothbrushing routine in big-boy fashion. I didn't even realize this in the moment; God, in His mercy, pointed it out to me later. (BTW, if you want the whole story, you'll have to ask me. =)
Jaden's reason didn't/doesn't justify his disobedience...BUT because I let anger lead me, I missed the chance to empathize with and feel compassion for my son. I missed out on affirming and encouraging him that God--and his mommy and daddy--are SO proud of him. Boy, do I know what it feels like to "fail" at my own attempts to accomplish something! (Yes, Jaden comes by this honestly.) Perhaps if I had taken the time to address his heart, instead of his actions--even in the heat of feeling rushed by the clock--he would have chosen to change his response...and the trauma would have been cut short...and redeemed right then and there.
This morning started out very difficult... But you know what? This is turning out to be a very good day. I've had a great time with God.
I WANT TO BE DIFFERENT! I WANT TO CHANGE! I make LOTS of mistakes (many each day). What's different about today is that I feel closer to and more intimate with the God who saved me. A hope-infused desire to be different is so... different than wishing I hadn't made a mistake in the first place. The former points to the future God has for me, and the real me He created. The latter... Well, it only leads me into regret (death), shame (death), and hopelessness (more death!).
What I'm experiencing today is fruitful repentance! The Bible speaks of a wordly sorrow that leads to death...and a godly sorrow that leads to conviction, which leads to repentance, which can bring about a changed LIFE. THAT'S what I'm talkin' about! That's what I crave. I know it will lead to only more life--for me, my wife, my boys and the people I lead.
Wow! This was a long entry... My heart is full, and I could write MUCH more. I do have to go now, though; I have a phone call to make. I need to let Jaden know that God helped me understand why he didn't listen this morning.
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