Trust

For those of you who don't know, I marry people. That is to say, I officiate wedding ceremonies from time to time. (Lest there be any confusion, I'm happily married to just one person--my beautiful wife, Jessie!!!)

Recently, I reworked our personal budget with the help of a good friend. Amongst the adjustments I made was a decision to use income generated from performing wedding ceremonies to partially fund our family vacations for 2008. This is not what I've done in the past, so it was a faith step because there's no way I can insure I'll perform enough weddings to fit the bill.

Not long after, an I-need-to-put-my-hand-to-this-and-make-something-happen mindset started to creep in, and I began to stress out a bit about all of this. "I need to do X number of weddings this year to fund our vacation time." "What if I don't get that many?" "What if I don't get any?!" I like to think of myself as a pretty faith-filled guy. This was anything but that.

A couple weeks ago, I was reminded of God's promise: "Put ME first, and I'll take care of the rest." I had been thinking I needed to promote/advertise myself in order to "make" these opportunities happen. This is so far from the heart of why I do weddings in the first place. (I am grateful for the income...AND also count it an amazing privilege to have such an integral part in the joining of two lives. I had all but forgotten this part.)

I decided to let go and trust God. Within a couple days, I received 4 phone calls from brides looking for an officiant! Thank You, Lord, for the reminder...and for Your faithfulness. I was riding high for a couple of days until one by one, 2 of the 4 potential weddings fell through. I booked one, was about to book another, and then realized the date of the ceremony was during our family vacation--which hadn't quite made it onto our calendar yet. BUMMER!

Once again, I found myself doubting. The ceremony was on the Saturday of vacation. We'd be coming back on Sunday. Maybe I could drive 3 hours back to Capitola, do the ceremony, then drive another 3 back to the vacation house, and then drive home the next day. Oh me of little faith! I wrestled for a few days with this; in reality, I wasn't really thinking that I would actually leave vacation for a day...but I was having a hard time letting go of the thought of MONEY!!! (Let's be honest here.)

God reminded me again: "Put Me first; trust Me; I am faithful." I called the bride, told her I wouldn't be able to perform her ceremony, and gave her the names of some friends who could. Bummer... Just one wedding booked. Then, THE VERY NEXT DAY I received 2 more calls from brides and a message from a local wedding coordinator to whom a friend had referred me; she had a couple more ceremonies in mind for me.

This was never a crisis. I wasn't on the brink of financial ruin. In a way, it can seem like a petty thing. Nevertheless, I know this process has been one in which I felt the pull of "mammon," the temptation to make my own way, and the inclination to not believe God.

There have been some very "big things" in my life that have shaped me. But the "little things" have, too. This is one of them.

I don't want to serve two masters. Money can buy my family and me a cozy spot on the side of a lake. It won't, however, turn me into the husband and dad God can make me. Only God can bring the solidity and strength of character that will benefit me and the people I lead. I want more of that.

Another Judgmental Thought

Just a quick thought to follow up on the last entry. Unrighteous judgment divides/separates people from each other. Righteous judgment separates unrighteousness (sin,"stuff") from people.

I'll share with you a litmus test for my own life. The next time I begin to have a thought or "feeling" about someone, I want to ask myself a couple of questions: 1) WHAT am I thinking and WHY am I thinking it?; 2) Is what I'm thinking drawing me closer to that person, or pulling me away from them?

I'll say it again: I want a heart that is increasingly moved with increased compassion for people. I want more righteous judgment in my life that helps me more accurately identify brokenness in people (and in me!) AND motivates me to separate that stuff from the precious, gifted children God made them to be. Mercy triumphs over judgment. I like to win...and with regards to this topic, I want to live every moment like I'm playing to win.

Something Worth Fighting For

Sometimes I wonder if I'm more judgmental as a Christian than I was before I gave my life to Jesus.

10 years ago I surrendered my life to Christ. Funny, I still feel like I'm just beginning! Like, I'm just beginning to have some victory over judgment in my life. Judgment is meant to give us an understanding of right and wrong. Problem is, judgment stripped of compassion quickly becomes condemnation.

I've been thinking a lot about how Jesus reacts to hurting people. When He saw crowds of wayward humans, His heart was moved with compassion. He felt their distress, depression, and loneliness.

Knowledge happily partners with conceit (it "puffs" us up) but love strengthens and changes people. Am I really sometimes more judgmental now...? Yes. When my knowledge of right and wrong becomes misapplied judgment on a person for what they're doing, I end up on a pedestal. Though I would never say with my lips that I'm better than anyone else, I might very well say it with my life--or at the very least, my thoughts.

I don't want to condemn! I want to love. So I've been praying to God to move my heart with compassion for His people. As a result, I am beginning to see glimmers of His character in my own. I can't make this happen; by my own efforts, I'll just end up doing what I really hate doing. Then, the judge and the judged both end up robbed.

By the way, I'm not condemning myself, either; I'm just being honest. There are things in my life that need to change; that change is something I'm willing to fight for.